There are so many terrible things that happen and there is constant suffering all around the world. I don’t know much about what life is, but I know that the universe existed before me and will continue for billions of years after me. I will decompose and my atoms will ionize just to fuse again. The universe is a constant exchange between energy and matter so I might as well stop trying to take life so seriously all of the time.
I decided today that I am going to quit my job as a math tutor. It was just a part time job that got to feel more like babysitting than actual math tutoring. Even though this job isn’t fulfilling me and I don’t need the money to survive, I still feel a big weight of stress on my shoulders over quitting. I worry about how my co-workers will perceive me and if I fall on hard times and don’t have any money. These are both rational thoughts that reflect the background I come from, but they don’t serve my anymore. It’s difficult to let go of the fear that comes with being kicked out at 18 and having to be my sole provider, especially while coming from a low income background. I still feel fear when it comes to money. I am scared that one day I won’t have any and that there is still possibility of me being homeless one day. Again, this doesn’t reflect my current life circumstances but the pain that comes with being all on your own is really scary. Our lack of government housing, resources for people in need, and the way that capitalism tells us that if we aren’t working ourselves dead then we are lazy are all reasons why I have stress about quitting a job that I don’t like anymore.
All of us are born into systems of power and systems of repression. These systems can traumatize us and that trauma follows us throughout our lives. I deal with a lot of anxiety about the past and the future. I’m trying to take more time to talk to myself though and to write my anxieties down when I can. I’m trying to be nicer to myself and to others. I’m trying to not take everything so seriously and enjoy the days that I have.
2 Comments Add yours
That’s a very legit fear, and when looked at from a different perspective, is actually beneficial for your survival. Because you wouldn’t do anything about it if it didn’t scare you, would you? Wishing you all the best regardless. You got this!
Thank you for your kind words!