“close myself off in new ways” – By this point in my life, I am pretty aware that I am a difficult person to get to know. I tend to be an illusive kind of person that people find hard to read. I am not sure why I am this way, I just know that it feels a lot safer to not give away myself to people unless I’ve known them for a long time. I am more introverted and can only take so much social interaction before I want to just be by myself for days at a time.
“pull you close, and then, I’ll be gone” – I also find a sort of thrill when it comes to getting to know someone. I can be very charming and open initially, but that doesn’t last very long and I end up retreating and going radio silent for days or weeks on end. The ups and downs are a source of dopamine and makes relationships feels like a drug. I know that this way of going about relationships isn’t sustainable for a healthy and secure partnership, but as of now, I’m just kind of learning to articulate what I’m noticing in myself, rather than focusing on how to fix it.
“i don’t trust myself at all, why should you trust me?” – I have been working on gaining self trust this last year, but it’s a journey that is going to be long. I’ve struggled with self harm ever since I was a child and having that kind of relationship with self has caused me to wonder if I can care for myself well. I come from an insecure anxious & avoidant attachment style, so when someone is interested in me romantically I can’t help but feel like I might hurt that person from my turbulence.
Let me know what you think of the song in the comments below 🙂
My Existential Diary 