He’s Scared, She’s Scared by Julia Sokol & Steven Carter – Book

I listened to this book this past week and it has me thinking about what kind of relationships I seek out and why that is.

First off, I recommend that if you decide to listen, skip the first four chapters and just start on chapter 5. This book has a lot of accounts of people’s stories and in my opinion it’s just fluff and doesn’t add too much to the overall content of the book (other than making me feel prolongedly called out and anxious to get to the part where they tell me how I can escape these cycles).

This book talks about how people who have commitment issues tend to find each other. It goes on to talk about how people with commitment phobia seek partners who they know (usually subconsciously) can never provide a stable relationship. Finding partners who are married, emotionally unavailable, and who are outwardly against commitment is alluring for a person who is also scared of commitment; they can play the role of the person who is infatuated and chasing the other without the guilt of being outwardly against commitment – it’s like creating an illusion. I know that was a lot of information at once, but that’s the meat and potatoes of what I gained from the book.

This book helped me take a step back and realize the role that I’ve played in my relationships and to be more honest with how I’ve viewed my partners. Even in my most committed relationships, I have always had many fears that kept me from obtaining prolonged intimacy with my partner. I love the idea of growing with someone and being in a life long partnership, but I also have conflicting fears of growing bored, fear of missing out, and being tied down to one person. I never noticed my contribution of commitment phobia, because I have always been with partners who were avoidant and not looking for intimacy in the same ways that I was. This caused me to obsess with how I could change them, how things could potentially get better, and shrank my self esteem.

The realization that I am afraid of commitment scares me a bit. I wonder if I will get to a place where I am more stable and less turbulent in my attraction to others. I am putting more space between myself and my impulses which is very uncomfortable, but also necessary to get closer to my more authentic self, rather than living in a state of making decisions out of fear.

Let me know what you think of the book if you decide to listen šŸ™‚

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