This is my favorite song from Halsey’s “If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power” album (which also is a feature film – definitely worth the watch!) This song hits me hard every time I listen to it because it shows so many truths about loneliness and the want to be desired.

“camouflage so you can feed the lie that you’re composed” – This line speaks to me because I am someone who struggles with perfectionism and looking like I have everything together. When dating and meeting someone new, we get to show them all of our shiny and polished sides which feels good for a little while. This is feeding into the lie that we are composed and have it all together, an image of ourselves that we are projecting.

“why do you need love so badly?” – Wow, okay I feel called out here. Desire and infatuation can feel like a drug. As someone with an addictive personality the hit of dopamine that I get anytime someone on a dating app compliments me gives me an artificial rush that I can sort of control. When I am feeling down, just swipe away and get another hit. It feels gross after a while though and I feel more empty after having so many surface level conversations. At the end of the day, I am hoping that someone can show me love in some way to make me feel less alone. I hope that I can learn to balance my interactions better so that my reassurances are coming from myself rather than others.

“might have to trick her and treat her to 70 capsules or fly to a castle, so at least we can say that we died being traveled” – When I am deep in my depression I tend to want to run away from everything. I ache to see the world and be a fly on the wall in another country. The other side of that is that I also get numb and suicidal. This line displays the impulsiveness that comes with being depressed and how the two choices of either running away or dying are both extreme and not healthy ways to cope with being lonely.

“isn’t it lonely, these are the standards to which you could hold me” – At the end of the day, I am ultimately the person who allows people to treat me a certain way. My low self esteem puts me in situations that don’t necessarily nourish me but rather satiates me. I am full for the time being, but I grow hungrier than ever for intimacy and affection.