These last few weeks have been really difficult for me. Through therapy I realized how much of a problem I have with addiction. Looking back on my earlier life I can see that I’ve been struggling with addictive behavior since I was a kid. I have struggled with hypersexuality since I was a child (most likely due to some kind of trauma) and I used that to cope for a long time. I got introduced to drinking when I was around 12 by my older cousin, which at the time I thought was sooo cool, but now that I have adult eyes I can see how toxic that was for me. I started taking over the counter cold medication when I was around 14 to get high, and I even remember being so high and scared crawling on the floor in front of my mom who didn’t bat an eye at me. My whole family struggles with addiction so when I turned 18 they were okay with me drinking and even smoking weed with them. The latter is where a lot of my struggle is coming in recently. 

People talk about weed as though it’s a cure all and harmless drug but as someone who has smoked almost every day for the last couple of years, this isn’t the case. Weed has been the most addictive drug that I have encountered and I have been struggling for the last month to get clean from it. When I try to quit I have been experiencing extreme withdrawals which include intense crying daily, cravings, and an irrational feeling that I am better when I am high. 

Today is another “day 1” of trying to get clean. When I was high yesterday I documented the reasons that I don’t want to smoke weed anymore and I have included them below. I am learning just how much addiction affects my brain and I am learning more compassion for myself and others who struggle with addiction. Addiction has taken up so much of my life and it’s crazy that I couldn’t recognize it within myself without the help of my therapist. It really does take a village of help to get through an addiction and I am really grateful that during this time that I have others that I can turn to to help me get through this process of withdrawal. It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to not beat an addiction in one day; it’s really fucking hard. 

Negatives 

• I eat a lot of junk food
• It takes more energy to focus on and respond to someone, especially when other sounds are around. This leads to irritability 
• I take too much and it’s too intense 
• Panic attacks
• Can’t drive 
• Over dependence on my partner
• Hard to breath 
• Lungs don’t feel healthy 
• I feel like I need to take more and more 
• I can’t stop doing it even if I don’t want to anymore 
• Hard time getting to sleep 
• Paranoia 
• I feel scared to be outside 
• Makes depression feel worse

Disclaimer: I am not saying that weed is a harmful drug for everyone, but for me (extremely predisposed to addiction) it is.

This article helped me to find a starting point with recovery: https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-stop-smoking-weed#know-your-reasons