Trigger warning: Self harm
* Struggling with self harm is difficult to overcome because I’ve been using it as a coping mechanism all my life. When I was a young girl, it started as pulling my hair out and biting my hands. Then in my teenage years it looked like cutting myself and pouring salt in my wounds. Now I struggle with the easiest access which is hitting myself in the face. I haven’t really heard anyone else talk about their struggle with self harm outside of cutting and it makes me feel so ashamed. I am so embarrassed after I do it and I want to sink into the deepest hole and never come out.
I have been working with a therapist lately and she is by far my favorite I’ve had. At her advise, I have been working on gaining compassion for myself. This is a completely new area for me and it has given me more space to accept myself as I am rather than waiting until I’m perfect enough to love. I am an imperfect person who was hurt by those around me, those who should have taken care of me, for a very long time.
Yesterday I tried to think about what is going through my mind when I self harm and what I realized is that I feel desensitized from myself when it happens. It’s as though some darkness arises and I give myself no room to be human. Below is a poem that I wrote that describes what this feeling is like for me. *
There is a demon inside me that wants me to die
I don’t know how she got here but I’ve known her for most of my life
She hits me and leaves bruises anytime that she cries
She screams in our mirror and her words cut me inside
She let’s me out for some time when I tempt her with a bribe
Please send help fast as I don’t know if I’ll make it out alive