*trigger warning: self-harm/cutting*

Most things that I am curious about can be solved with a quick Google search:

“What is Planck’s constant in Ev*s?”

“What did Lil Nas X wear to the met gala?”

“How to write a solid grad school application”

But when it comes to self love, Google doesn’t seem to cut it. I’ve seen articles on top of articles with advise from wearing crystals to taking a walk in nature, but I have been on many walks and still can’t help but tear myself down.

The hardest thing for me is in self-compassion. Anytime I would face some kind of obstacle in life, my mom would dismiss it or say that I was the problem. Now I am 25 and my mom is passed away, but her harsh voice has merged with my own. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to shut down instead of being able to accept that this feeling will pass and that I can trust myself to find a way through it. I am still clinging to my survival instincts to push through day-by-day even though I am exhausted mentally.

Last week I told my therapist that I have been depressed lately and she asked how I usually get out of it. That’s when I realized that I have a lot of work to do because I’ve avoided self-love my whole life and just replaced my hopeless depressed feelings with work or school. I’ve never really gotten out of it. It makes sense why this feeling has been following me around for so long. It does make it harder though because I have no idea where to start with self-love and compassion. When I get overwhelmed I have turned to things like cutting and self-harm so it feels so unnatural to tell myself “you are worthy of love”, “you are worthy of compassion”.

I just hope this gets easier with time, because I feel like I am constantly fighting with myself on punishment vs praise. I’m trying to constantly remind myself “you are worthy of compassion” and right now it scares me that it’s all I can do. I can only take these small steps to get over a much bigger mountain of self-love.