*Loneliness is something that I struggle with a lot these days. I work from home, I go to school from home, and in my spare time, you guessed it, I hang out at home. I have this one friend from out of state who was my best friend during my early college years. The last couple of years I could feel us growing apart, but I chocked that up to the fact that she is growing her own family now and is busy with her kids.

I text her a couple weeks ago after I cut myself again for the first time in a few years and it took her 4 days to even reply to my text. I think that moment was my realization that this friendship had come and gone.

I have had so many relationships end in this last year and I think that I was making excuses for her not putting in the effort for so long, because I wasn’t ready for another falling out. I’ve really had to take a step back though and acknowledge that while her life doesn’t look like mine, texting someone back when they need you should be the bare minimum in a friendship.

It’s really hard for me to trust people, but when I do, I might give them too many chances to hurt me before I realize that I am not being treated well. I don’t know if all relationships are built to end. Like if people are meant to teach you something, then you need to let them go, but my life seems to reflect this pattern. For someone who craves normalcy and stability, I have been tested time and time again to ride the flows of relationships come and gone.

Maybe life isn’t meant to be romanticized like we are taught when we are young. Maybe I was meant to practice impermanence to prepare for something more. I really have no idea, but what I do know is that letting people go hurts. I want to comfort broken things and put pieces back together, but sometimes even your most prized possessions rust over.*

Rust

Rust grew like vines on the necklace you gave me

For my birthday was it four or five years ago maybe 

If we’re not growing together 

Does that have to mean we’re growing apart? 

Am I making excuses so you don’t have to try

And I can save my broken heart?

Friends come and go like the rain 

If it isn’t the season they don’t give you anything

So I’ll sit here and I’ll stare at the note you gave me 

On your wedding day was it two or three years ago maybe

Where you said that nothing will ever change us 

But you don’t text back anymore and we’re covered in rust